how to stay safe in an unsafe world…or the Cairo walmarts

  • Walk fast and with purpose

  • Stand up straight for added height and to increase your intimidation factor

  • Stop at the vending machine for a Diet Coke (drinking Diet Coke before 9:00am shows how no nonsense you are)

  • Look crazier in the eyes than the people around you…but only slightly crazier (remember you are IN the world if Cairo but not OF it)

  • practice ninja moves in the produce section

  • shout “Stay back” at regular intervals

  • “Accidentally” and conspicuously drop your key chain with the pepper spray and pocket knife around threatening people (but then scoop them up quickly in case you actually have to use them)

  • Raise giant bags of dog food above your head to demonstrate your beast like upper body strength

  • Test the charge on your stun gun in the cleaning supplies aisle

  • Only park next to cars smaller than yours (not too difficult if you drive a van but harder if you happen to have driven your mister’s PT Cruiser)

  • Carry on a fake conversation on your cellular phone and include the words like “black belt in karate” and “loaded shotgun” and “restraining order”

  • Shop in Tallahassee when possible